Easier said than done?
Why, yes. Yes it is.
Nothing is more difficult than trying to let go when all you want to do is hold on to sense of control that you have made yourself believe and think that you have.
When things don't go exactly as planned, my jerk reaction is to try and keep things together as best as I can. I have this perfect idea in my head and I become so stuck on that idea that I cannot settle for anything less. It becomes an all or nothing thing for me. So when things fall apart, the worse is the disappointment that I feel.
There are times when I wish that maybe if I did just one thing differently, things wouldn't turn out the way it did. This then leads me to a series of what if scenarios that consume my thoughts but never providing me any comfort. If anything, thinking about all those what ifs makes me feel worse than I already do.
Life throws me a curve ball once in a while. Something from so far out of left field that all I can do is just stand there at the mound wondering what the hell happened. Once the shock wears off, my first thought is: HOW DO I FIX IT?!
But who said anything about fixing it?
There are some things we cannot fix. As much as we want to go back to the way it was, there's no going back. The mirror has been shattered. The wound has been made. And no matter how well you tape the shards back together, you'd still see the cracks... no matter how many sutures you make, you'd still see the scars.
Today, I realized that after everything is said and done, there would be no changing the results anymore. I've made my bed, now I must find the strength to lay in it. What's the point in holding on to that perfect ideal when reality bitch slaps you and decides to take you down a notch? All that is left to do is ride through the force of the impact and hope to god that you're still in one piece at the end.
To let go and move on is to know that you've done all that you could have, given the circumstances, and graciously wear your battle scars as proof that life cannot break you, that life hasn't shattered your spirit yet. The lesson has been learned. There's going to be another chance, a chance for redemption and I sure as hell going to make that most out of that chance or go down fighting.
I won't forget what I've done and what I've been through but I won't give my failures the power to hold me back any more than they already do. We make our own chains. It's up to us to decide when to break them. So yeah, who cares if I failed? There are other exams... and hell if I let some people bring me down and make me feel like a piece of shit.
My grades do not define me and I feel sorry for those who let it define them.
So, here I am.
Venting and ranting.
Letting go and moving on.
What else is there to do but take this lost battle and fight like hell for the next. Because whatever happens, I'm winning this war. Just you try and stop me... there'll be hell to pay.