LIFE UPDATE: I'm back and I'm picking up blogging again.

If you've been with me from the beginning then you'd know that it has been a good long while since my last post. By a while  I really mean SIX YEARS AGO! I cannot believe it has been that long but at the same time, knowing me, it sounds completely plausible.

If I know anything about myself it's that I am very good at picking up new hobbies. The problem is I am also very bad at keeping them. Over the years, I've tried so many things to spend my time, effort, and money on. While I did enjoy them at the time, none of it ever seemed to stick. I would get bored and the stuff would be stuck on a shelf at home gathering dust over the years.

Calligraphy? I did it... my pens and inks have all since dried out.
Watercolor painting? I did it... even put my art on valentine's day cards and sold them. 
Creative writing? I did it... even started a novel, the evidence of which is even buried somewhere in this blog.
Bead jewelry making? I did it... gave out mask lanyards for Christmas one year.
Plant tita-ing? I'm still kind of doing it but it's a hit-or-miss.
Playing TS4? Oh, I still do it... intensively and all at once only to not open the game for months at a time.

Reading is still my number one hobby and something that I still do on the regular. For a time, I tried to make something out of it with my book blog but even that faded out after a while, too (of course, I still dream of reviving that book blog. But while I do enjoy reading, the reviewing kind of started to feel like work at that time so that it eventually petered out 😬).

But, I digress. What brings me to this neck of my woods, you might ask? Well, simply, I do want to continue writing. I have so much love for the written word. Over the past few years, everything I have ever written has been for work or school. I missed writing for the sake of writing, of expression. I missed writing for the simple pleasure of seeing my most naked thoughts on paper. I missed writing for myself.

This is my attempt to reacquaint myself with that part of my personality: Gee the Writer.

There's this teeny tiny voice of doubt at the back of my head that wonders if I will ever find it as natural as I did before. Today, I'm shoving it in a box and taping it shut. I realized that for this blog, I am my own audience, first and foremost. Who cares if my posts are full of run-on sentences? Who cares if it sounds stilted? Unlike my book blog which I wrote for other people's benefit, I am now writing for me and I am determined to enjoy the process.

I guess that's what I am rediscovering about my love for writing－that writing is just as much the journey as the final piece you arrive at. So, I guess this is me picking up my trail and getting back on that journey... one blog post at a time.

See you on the next one!
(Note to self: come up with a catchier sign off.)

My friends know that I am practically the poster child for every NOT-A-MORNING-PERSON out there. Ordinarily, I'd rather stay all bundled up under the covers than do anything else, really. But in Amanpulo, I was up bright and early that morning. I usually hate being woken up but nature's morning orchestra roused me to wakefulness. The cicadas were singing in full force and so were the birds. I could even hear a monitor lizard from somewhere near our casita. I got up, made my requisite cup of joe and moved to the deck to savor the morning. Since it was so early in the day, it was cool out there in the deck but not uncomfortably so. This was one of my favorite spots in our casita. The day beds were perfect for tanning and lounging in the sun without worrying about the sand going into places where sand shouldn't be. I was so tempted to stay there all day and read a book but my sense of adventure won out.

We had breakfast at the Beach Club. This side of the island is pretty much where the action is. Right next to the Beach Club you'll find the Sea Sports Hut where you can borrow snorkelling gear and non-motorized water sports equipment like kayaks, windsurfing boards, paddle boards, and even a Hobie Cat catamaran. We spent the morning trying out everything we could.

We started with all the easy ones first. Did you know that the water right in front of the Beach Club is home to a school of fish (I forgot what they were called, though). Ask for some bread from the restaurant; don't forget to tell them it's for the fish feeding. Anyway, the moment you drop the bread into the water, be prepared to get mauled by the cute fishies (and my mauled, I meant adorably tickled haha).

The resort also offers snorkelling trips for interested guests twice a day: one in the morning and the other in the afternoon. We were actually planning on skipping the snorkelling trip since we were not really up to mingle with people (hehe) but when we found out that nobody else was going on the morning trip, we decided then and there to just do it! We had the entire boat all to ourselves.

When you're on the boat, the water is so clear that you'd think you're still in shallow water. You can still see straight through to the bottom. I'm a pretty strong swimmer so I said I'd go in without a life vest but when I dove right in and saw how deep it actually was, I had to ask manong for a vest! Anyway, we spent most of our snorkelling trip feeding more fish, bigger ones this time. The manong who drove our boat and toured us mentioned that Amanpulo is home to a huge school of batfish. He even taught me how to use the bread as bait to try and catch (by "catch", I meant hug and release) one of the batfish. 

Another highlight of the snorkelling trip was when we saw two of Amanpulo's resident pawikan. God, they were huuuuge! We found them happily munching on some seagrass. Manong was so nice, he tried to make them come up to the surface so we can see them better but, alas, food  >>>>> everything else. I guess, I can related to that. haha. Looks like I've found my new spirit animal! ​

We tried Hobie Cat sailing next and it was one of the most memorable rides of my life. The cool thing about a catamaran is that it runs solely on the wind caught on its sails. I thought it would just be a leisurely ride; apparently, it could go pretty fast pala! Anyway, we were going so fast but I wasn't really paying attention, so when we hit a big wave (I didn't see it coming, I swear) I got knocked out of my seat and slid almost right outta the boat. Good thing I managed to get a good grip on the hull or else I really would've fallen off. My cousins were laughing their asses off and I was laughing right along with them but, I swear, it felt like my heart was about to beat right out of my chest. Talk about an adrenaline rush!

Manong took us on the Hobie Cat down to Shark's Point where some baby sharks can be found playing. Unfortunately, we didn't see a single one. :( 

We spent the rest of the morning and a bit of our afternoon lounging on the beach and getting some sun. While the others got their tans on, I walked around the area to take in the sights of the island. 

We blocked a huge part of our second afternoon for spa treatments like massages and wraps. What's an R&R trip for if not to get pampered, right? The Amanpulo Spa is the highest building on the island. From the lobby, you pretty much have a panoramic view of the beautiful scenery.

The whole body massage was wonderful! I've always had tense shoulders, especially all throughout my preparation for my licensure exams. This trip was definitely just what the doctor ordered. I haven't felt that relaxed in a long time, to be honest.

Our stay in Amanpulo was winding down too soon. Since this was our last night, I made it a point to really watch and take in the sunset, and man, it did not disappoint. I marvelled at the amazing sight before me that late afternoon. And as the night claimed the day, all I felt was awed.

I have only ever heard stories about the elusive Amanpulo; not even first-hand stories at that. Before, it was something that I only saw on celebrities' Instagram feeds or in magazines. And then last April, I got to see for myself why this small island off the coast of Palawan is one of the world's premier destinations for a beach getaway. 

I went to Amanpulo last April 20th for a 3D2N stay. AMANPULO, the resort, is managed by Aman International, a luxury hotel group with properties all over the world. It is situated in Pamalican Island, a part of the Cuyo Island group off the northern coast of Palawan, Philippines.

The resort, having its own airstrip, is accessible on a direct flight via private or chartered airplane from NAIA. No commercial flights are available since the island is technically still private property. Daily flights from MNL to Pamalican Island departs from the Island Aviation Hangar in Pasay City.

No expense was spared right from the get-go. Upon arrival at the airport lounge, guests are served pastries and refreshments by ever-helpful and accommodating attendants. We got there early to beat the hellish traffic in the area but waiting for a flight was not a big deal because the lounge was very comfy. I instantly felt right at home; Bellini in hand, of course. 

When our flight was ready, we were called out to finally board the plane. And like I said, no expense was spared as we got the red carpet treatment. VIP, talaga​! The plane that took us to the island seats only around 20 to 30 persons at a time. Aside from us three, there were only two other guests on board.

The flight took a little more than an hour and by the time we landed, I was pumped and ready to start exploring... and relaxing!

Upon arrival, we were greeted by our names. I know, right! They really took the time and effort to get to know who were before we got there (I mean, we didn't give 1x1s upon reservation hahaha). We were also given Sampaguita leis, a very Filipino touch to the experience.

We got a brief tour of the island before we headed to our casita. Each casita comes with a club car that the guests can use to explore and go around the island. The island is charming in an "untouched" way. There were dirt paths instead of paved roads. With its many turns and curves, it feels as if the entire resort was built around the natural layout of the island with as little interference as possible. It was noisy, but not the kind of noise I hear in the city. The cicadas were playing their tunes undisturbed. In the distance, I heard the faint echo of the waves softly crashing to the shore. It was serene. Nature was busy going about its day, while I witness it all as a spectator, a guest. 

We reached our Treetop Casita after our brief tour. We got settled first and munched a bit on the snacks and light refreshments waiting for us (I swear, we were fed everywhere we went). But since it was way past lunch time, we figured we were hungry for more than just cookies (yummy as they were) so we decided to head on over to one of the restaurants to get a real meal. There are several restaurants in the resort but we chose the nearest one to our casita.

As a foodie, I have to say that I love the food in Amanpulo. Our attendant, who took us on our tour of the island, mentioned that Amanpulo is largely self-sustainable. They grow their own vegetables in their garden (which we also saw) and source their seafood from local fishermen. Another cool thing is that the restaurants in Amanpulo are themed. The first place we tried was Picnic Grove. It had a casual, laidback beach-bum feel with its wooden picnic tables under and among the trees. The food was also more casual and easy compared to the other restaurants. Think: burgers and pizza. 

After our very late lunch, we were excited to finally check out the beach. We collected our beach bum essentials and headed straight for the water. It was almost 4 by the time we laid our blankets down on the sand to enjoy some sun, sea, and sand. I figured it was prime time for beach-goers but I was pleasantly surprised to find the entire beach ALL TO OURSELVES. No photo cropping necessary to get rid of photobombers. There were none! Score!

And the beach, my gosh, the beach. The pristine white sand was very fine, almost flour-like, dare I say so. The water was cool and clean and so picturesque I almost filled my camera with nothing but pictures of the ocean. Look at that turquoise gradient! Textbook case of insta-love right there.

After getting our beach fix, we stayed and lounged on the sand to watch the gorgeous sunset. By sundown, we were ready head back inland to another one of the restaurants for dinner. We then tried the Lagoon Club which offered a less casual selection compared to Picnic Grove. The restaurant was looked pretty romantic actually, perfect for a candle-lit dinner with your SO. Of course, we took a table overlooking the ocean. The open picture windows let the soothing sea breeze in. You can't help but relax during your meal as you listen to the waves crashing against the sand.

The food was delicious. Not just that, the guests have much freedom in having their meals cooked and prepared just the way they like it. Actually, the same goes for the rest of the restaurants in Amanpulo. One of our party had very strict diet restrictions at that time but the chefs accommodated our requests without batting an eye. You won't find that kind of service just anywhere.

When we got back to our casita after dinner, I was delighted to find the sweetest turn-down service I have ever encountered. There were even new treats waiting for us on our bedside tables. I've never been more ready for bedtime... but not before I indulged myself in the warmest, most relaxing bath I have ever had. 

Lust
I am a sinner. I pine for you, I am drawn to you like a moth to an inferno. Every second spent with you is a moment spent flirting with danger. Being with you is playing with fire when I’m already drenched in gasoline. One touch and I’m gone. A glorious pyre of want and need, unreciprocated. I burn for you yet my flames are no match to your arctic wasteland. There’s no rhyme or reason to the way I need you. You are the anti-thesis to the ideal man of my girlish fantasies, a stark contrast to what I thought I wanted for myself. On paper, we were everything that is wrong when a guy meets a girl. We were damned to end before we could even begin. A disaster just waiting to decimate and destroy. I just didn’t expect how very little of me would be left in the aftermath.

Avarice
I am a sinner. Selfish in the way I need you, selfish to want you for myself even as you give yourself freely to her. And her. And her. And her, too. You’re every bad habit logic tells me to kick but my body craves you and your elusiveness. I can’t have you because somebody already does and even though it makes me feel sick to my stomach to want for myself something I can never have, I don’t know how to stop. You are hers but you aren’t. You are mine but you aren’t. You are far too detached to ever belong to anyone ever again but I’d take any piece of you I can get and hold on to it like the last skein of water in the desert.

Gluttony
I am a sinner, a glutton for the pain and heartache only you can dole out. You scare me. You can destroy me without knowing it, without meaning to. And I’d submit myself to you knowing full well you can never feel for me even a margin of the way I feel for you. I’d take the pain over and over if you are the one delivering it. I will mend my heart only for you to break it again for I can never have my fill of you.

Envy
I am a sinner. I envy you and your ability to turn off your emotions. I do not understand how you can compartmentalize our encounters to neat little boxes that you can put the lid on and shove to the back of your mind when you’re through with me. And I envy her who has a hold on you, who has every right to kiss you and hold your hand and not feel the shame that comes with being the interloper. And I envy all the couples I see, wishing that it were you and me, wishing I can love you openly and without holding back, without judgment, without the fear of expecting the other shoe to drop.

Anger
I am a sinner. Furious with myself, for allowing my heart to become attached knowing that there is nothing to hold on to but flimsy promises and faulty excuses. I did not ask to feel things for you. I didn’t ask to be broken by you but here we are. As you pull out of my driveway after yet another night of sneaking off, I berate myself for succumbing to your sweet words (and yet you barely even try). And for a moment, I am furious with you for knowingly stringing me along. Why did you have to choose me, why did you have to play with MY heart? It’s maddening how fate led us to this point. But the hate I feel for the situation we are in is shadowed by the inexplicable joy I feel when I’m with you.

Sloth
I am a sinner. Stuck in this never ending vicious cycle we have set in motion. And I am helpless. Helpless in my unwillingness to get up from my need of you to put a stop to this. I know I should pick up the phone and tell you I can do this no longer. I need to but I won’t. I am wrongfully content to lie to myself and do nothing about the pain you continue to inflict upon my wounded ego. I should get up, pick up my pieces, and start putting them back together. But I lie in wait for you, hoping you’d reach for my hand and pull me up. I have come to rely on you as I always have knowing full well you’ll never come. The vicious cycle going over and over. And I lie here still, lying staring at the ceiling, doing nothing but wonder how this tenuous toxic relationship we had become so out of hand.

Pride
And I am a sinner for I can not admit how wrong I have been all this time. Every smile you direct my way erases every painful wound you inflict on my already damaged heart. Now, I turn my eye against the glaring truth of how wrong we have become, no, how wrong we have always been for each other from the very beginning. You have taught this selfish little heart to deny human decency and take for myself what is not mine for the taking. Pride. This tiny little voice inside my head which says I have to keep holding on to you, holding on to the vague semblance of “us”… for one of these days you’ll finally choose me over her. So I waited. And I waited. And I waited. And now I’m still waiting with nothing but my sinful self to keep me company. 

I never understood why some people relish the thought of getting lost over another person.
​
I’ve heard, I’ve read it all before. I got lost in his eyes or I lost myself in her smile or in whichever random body part evokes such emotions. I don’t believe anyone in their right mind would willingly embrace the feeling of being lost. 

I’ve been there before, in fact, I still feel lost most days, and it’s definitely not anywhere near on my list of things I enjoy.

Have you ever been lost before? Imagine being a 6-year old little kid in a crowded theme park. One hand grasping a ball of cotton candy as big as your hand and the other holding tightly to your mother or father’s hand. Imagine in the crush of people surrounding you, you felt your hand slip from your parents’ grasp. Imagine the mind-numbing fear of not knowing where you are or where you ought to go. Imagine flailing around helplessly hoping to catch a glimpse of your father’s jacket or your mother’s dress… any sign to lead you back into the safety of their presence.

Being lost, in my mind, connotes the idea of wandering aimlessly in search for that elusive ‘something.’ A constant search for a safe harbor, an anchor to keep us steady in the churning waves of a storm. The rope that keeps you berthed when the winds and the waves threaten to take you out to sea like an unmoored buoy floating in an endless dance with the surging waters.
​
You can be lost in the sea of your life with no idea what the next day would bring or where your footsteps will take you. You can be lost in the forest of your mind, looking for the missing pieces, the pieces that make you who you are. It’s an arduous journey, being lost. It can be timeless and transient at the same time. So, no. I don’t get why people like the feeling of getting lost in someone else.
​
When I find my great love, I’d rather choose to be found. I’d rather find myself in another’s eyes.

To find myself in another’s smile or any other freaking body part for that matter. To find myself moored to the warmth and safety of the soul mate all these romances have been musing about since time immemorial. To banish the fear of being lost again, in knowing that I’ve found where I’m meant to be.