I was happy with my choice, don't get me wrong. But the thing is, I was having a blast when I thought that up. It had a very positive connotation for me, then. It reflected how much I did NOT want that certain point in my life to end. I relished the feeling of being stuck, of staying in that bubble of abandon. We all get those days, yeah? That reckless abandon (yes, that's a The Temper Trap reference) is the most potent drug. Being high on life is something we could not get enough of, I think. It's an addiction, that's what it is. But like every high, the fall is just as intense. What goes up must come down, the world is just wired that way. There's no going around that fact, no matter how hard we try to prolong the high.
When I came up with that line, I did not realize it could be such a depressing thought under different circumstances. When things started going awry, "there's no such thing as the end when you're always stuck between the pages" also started to sound bleak. Even to me! And I was the one who made it my blog's tagline in the first place.
I'm not changing it or anything, mind you, because even if it's kind of a depressing thought at the moment, it still doesn't change the fact that it's true (for me, at least).
So now, I'm STUCK.
I'm stuck and I don't know where to go or what to do to make myself UNSTUCK. I feel so shitty in knowing that there won't be an end to this crap-tastic point in my life unless I make a step towards freeing myself from the constraints that keep me here.
It sounds easy in theory. In reality? Not so much.
These days, I feel like I'm just going through the motions of my life. I don't feel alive. I don't see the point of what I'm doing and I sure as hell don't know where I'm going. Before you blow up the comment box, NO I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I'm just sort of... WANDERING around with no real destination. Life, these days, is just one never-ending stream of exams and papers and school. We always joke around in class about having non-existent social lives. We meant it as a jibe. I never realized how through that was until this moment.
Lately, I feel like I've begun to let school dominate my life. From the perspective of an occupational therapist in-the-making, it sort of makes sense since being a student is my primary role. But now I wonder... is it really all there is to my life right now? I wake up in the morning and even before I can untangle myself from my sheets, I'm already counting the minutes until I can get back to bed. I should be looking forward to the new day but I'm not. And that's the saddest thing about it all. Now, I also begin to ask myself when this whole thing started snowballing... the truth? I have no idea. It's like, little things just started piling up and now it's a whole Jenga tower that is just one wrong pull away from crumbling down. I don't know where to start fixing my mess of a life.
So now, I'm STUCK.
I thought I pretty much had my life figured out. I was so narrowly focused on what I thought I wanted that when a life sent a massive curve ball my way, I guess it knocked me off-kilter. I lost my sense of direction and now I'm starting to question whether what I THOUGHT I wanted was what I really wanted. Now, I'm trying to stick everything out and see where everything goes. I've invested too much in this for me to back out now.
So now, I'm STUCK.
But I'm happy with this last kind of stuck. I may not be entirely sure what the point of all of this is... but I KNOW that it's one step in the right direction. I can feel it in my bones. The reason may not be clear to me now but the end result is clear.
I need to break the monotony of my life and own it.
I'm need to stop letting my circumstances control me.
I need to regain control (thanks, Prof. Cabatan!)
I need to stop letting other control me and start making MY life MY bitch.
THAT's what I need to do.
That's how I become UNSTUCK