As much as I'd like to forget it ever happened, I can't. I've wanted this for sooooo long and it was just there staring me in the face, ready for the taking. Hope's a bitch. It dangles the carrot in front of you and then takes it away without a second thought, feelings be damned. It hurts. I'm not ashamed to admit that I can barely see what I'm typing right now because I'm bawling my eyes out like there's no tomorrow. It makes you think you've got a chance in hell to get something you've been dreaming of for months but drops you flat on your ass and leaves you to listen to the sound of your own heart breaking.
Reading that e-mail was like witnessing an accident. You know it's horrible and painful and devastating but you can't help but look anyway. I keep staring at it, impossibly wishing the words on screen would change or that somebody will come out of the blue to say that I've just been punk'd. But every painful moment that passes by is a stark reminder that this is my reality. That I am NOT going to Umea. That I need to put my big girl pants on and suck it up.
It's going to take me a while to come to terms with this new development in my life. I think the worst part of this whole shitfest is the fact that I've placed too much faith into even the tiniest possibility of getting chosen. It was stupid of me to map out the next ten year of my life on this one pivotal event and now a huge part of why I can't let this go is because I feel like I've lost control of my life again. I had the reins; I could clearly see where I was headed and how I was going to get there. But now, I feel so lost and in the dark. Right now, I can't even see past the next week now that I no longer have this to hold on to. I have no idea how to get back on track and it's frustrating to feel this way. It's only been a few hours since I found out but I feel shaken to the core.
My head was pounding since I've been crying for so long that I had to sleep it off. It's morning now and the pain is still there. You know how people who've lost a loved one say that in the morning after waking up, there are a few blissful moments where they forget that anything is wrong with the world as their brain tries to wake up. That's not what happens. In my case, I already knew something's not right from the moment I opened my eyes. Well, that's the thing that reminded me actually because I could barely open my puffy eyes from crying so hard last night. I feel pathetic as I read what I've already written and every thought that is going through my mind is even more pathetic than the last. I can’t even begin to describe how disappointed I am with myself.
This is more than just a blow to my ego. I was thinking last night that maybe that’s the reason I’m crying so hard. But it’s not.
But the thing is, I know this feeling all too well. Been there, done that. This whole thing reminds me a lot about the time I qualified for the Intarmed program. C’mon! I didn’t know what OT was back then. When I was in high school, I was dead set on going to med school and who wouldn’t want a chance to do it all in 7 years? I got an interview for but that was about as far as I got. Not seeing my name on that list of accepted candidates just about wrecked me. Back then a lot of my carefully laid out plans were centered on the possibility that I was going to med school. Then it all went to shit when it didn’t happen. Sounds familiar?
I can’t help but feel like history keeps repeating itself and I just can’t break this cycle. I keep getting all these amazing opportunities but then I do something wrong to fuck it all up. Every. Single. Time. If that doesn’t give you some sort of complex, I don’t know what will. It’s like getting a taste of the most decadent chocolate cake right before it gets taken away from you for good, and you know I’m really feeling like shit when I start making metaphors about food.
It’s already difficult enough for me to learn to accept this new reality but I know I’ll get there eventually. The part that kills me right now is thinking about how to break the news to my family. When I brought up this opportunity, my parents were so stoked about it they told practically every one they knew like it’s already a done deal. They’ve been so supportive of me. When I decided I no longer wanted to go to medschool, they did not even give me any kind of flak about it. They just accepted the fact that it’s not what I want to do anymore and backed me up in my quest to become an occupational therapist. I don’t want to see the disappointment in their eyes when I finally tell them I’m not going to Sweden. I can’t put it off much longer because they’ve already been asking me non-stop about the results. And it doesn’t just end with my parents. All my uncles, aunts, grandparents, every single member of my family had been rooting for me for this internship. Even my relatives in Europe already started making plans to visit me if I ever find myself in Sweden. They’ve even offered to send me loads winter apparel knowing I won’t find anything even remotely adequate here in the Philippines.
A couple of weeks ago on my grandmother’s birthday, she started bragging about this whole thing to the guests. I heard the pride in her voice as she tells them that not only am I the first person in the family to go to UP, but I’m also the first to be given such opportunities. Expectations suck. So there I was, minding my own business and people I barely knew were coming up to me telling me about what an amazing opportunity it would be or congratulating me as if I’m already going. I can’t even get a word in to say that it’s not even final, that I’ve only been interviewed.
And now I have to tell them that it’s the end of the line for me. It’s now just one huge clusterfuck and I don’t know where and how to begin to untangle myself from this web.
Maybe I’m feeling this way because I don’t understand why this happened. I don’t know where I went wrong and I feel like I’m beating myself up over something I had absolutely no control over. I don’t want to feel bitter about this because the other candidates were just as deserving and I consider them friends. I am happy for them but I can’t help but feel sad for myself, as well. I didn’t expect this process to be so painful. I mean, it was like I’ve done all I can to show that I’m in this for the long haul, that I want this more than my next breath but at the end of the day, I’m still found wanting.
I was with some friends when I first found out and they said that it’s okay not to be okay, that maybe this just wasn’t God’s plan for me, that there are other opportunities out there. Easy for them to say so. Because what they probably don’t realize is that THIS is the other opportunity that I’ve been waiting for. How much longer do I have to wait before I finally catch a break? I’m sick of not being good enough. Just plain sick of it.
So yeah, I think I’ve made my pathetic case. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Well, maybe someday when I can actually talk without bawling. But right now, I just need time to process this on my own. This would be the LAST time you’ll ever hear me say something about this until I’m finally ready to let go and move on.